Big shoulders for a small person

You need big shoulders to be a parent.

In my house I get blamed for all sorts of things:

“can’t find my leotard – I put it in the wash last week and it hasn’t come out” – you can do the  washing next time

“there is no food in the house” – you can do the shopping next time

“you didn’t wake me up”  – don’t you have your own alarm clock?

“I am going to be late” – so organise yourself more

“there are no socks” – yes there are lots and they need matching by one of you kids

“I’m hungry – when is tea”  – you know where the fridge is, why don’t you make it for a change?

“You haven’t filled that form in for school”  – you get a pen, you fill it in and I will sign it.

“All my other friends mothers let them stay up late” – well go and live at someone else’s house


It was not in the original job description under Essential

Mother wanted.  Needs very big broad shoulders and not to take things personally

But it comes with the role.

As they get older the blames get greater and the shoulders need to be even bigger.

“I am rubbish at exams and that’s your fault.  I must have your brains and not dad’s”

“Why can’t you be like other mothers?” – oh you mean the boring mothers?

All this is getting has been getting me in training for the big punches.  I totally understand that it’s the mother that is blamed and the father (who avoids deep discussions and confrontations) is the Angel of the House, the Popular Person of the Year.   I totally understand that the kids are taking their frustrations out on me.

And better to take them out on someone who loves them dearly, who is always there for them – than to shout at their best friend, or to hit a passer- by, or swear at the bus driver, or be rude to their form teacher.  I know all that.  I can take it – well most of the time.

What is harder and what I have been practicing for over the last 20 plus years is  the big ones.

“It’s your fault I have a shit life and that I am disabled”

“I blame you for me struggling to get a job and putting it on facebook and making it sound like it’s taken me 23 years to get a job”

I am sure there is a lot worse to come.  It is a bit like a marathon  or should I say Motherthon.   I am just working my way towards it and I am less than half way round.  Pretty knackering and sometimes it takes the wind out of you.

It’s normal – my psychologist husband tells me as he continues to eat his breakfast as the words pour out of my daughter’s communication aid blaming me for her disability.    “Am I failing miserably?” I ask my husband as he focuses on eating his breakfast.  He did a PHd and studied psychology for 7 years and then tells me “It’s all normal stages of life until the kids get their full independence you will be to blame for most things”.

Time for reflection, time to look at my never ending parenting journey, time to look at how I can be a better mum.   So they can blame the dogs instead next time.  Or even their father!



  1. Katie, Nadia is a wonderful, amazing person- most of the time. But this time, she is TOTALLY WRONG.

    Her disability is NOT YOUR FAULT. It is no one’s fault. Blaming anyone for our disabilities is not the answer. Disability just happens.It’s sad, hard to accept, but it just happens. It’s no more your fault than it is Nadia’s.

    As for the struggles she is facing, those are the fault of society- a society that thinks we’re all stupid, or a society that made no provisions for us to live long enough to get jobs.

    I sincerely hope that Nadia will realise this as she gets older. Meanwhile, remember- you are two of the very good and very special parents. Nadia, and all your children, are very lucky to have you.

    I know it hurts you to hear her say those things, but just remember, they’re not true. I speak as a disabled ‘child.’

    Liked by 2 people

  2. thank you for your comments. It is all part of our family journey and we need to take the ups with the downs. It is also about how we all fit in to this world that disables our children and young people. Each transition means as a mum I have to step back, reflect, learn, be strong and positive – so that N feels strong and positive and is allowed to express her deep feelings on life.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi there, can identify with all you share and rather bizarrely its a comfort to know we r not on this journey alone.Crazy themes which challenge our humour, endurance and amazing families whom we love and whom reciprocally drive us nuts at times.


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